ramblings for wednesday, 05/07
An hour ago

(audio attached is my TTS voice, as I want to rest my own voice more, I added it as convenience but if you don't like the TTS that is totally okay, I have the text transcript below...this is just a one time thing okay!! >~<)

Hi pengoon, how is it going? 💙

Is it weird for me to send you a message like this?

Actually, I am feeling better, but still not quite confident in pushing my voice...I don't know if I should be speaking for extended periods of time. I wanted to send you a message though. I like to imagine that I'm sending you a voicemail! So I thought, maybe like this for now, is okay? It might be easier to listen to me like this than to read a text message...

I hope you're having a good day so far, whatever it is that you're doing. I'm cheering you on alright, whether you're working hard at work or even just relaxing.

I've been starting to record ASMR videos again! It's mostly stuff that doesn't need my voice, so it's not really a big deal to do, but it feels nice to be productive again. Feels like I've just been so busy lately, or maybe that's all just in my head. I used to have such a big backlog of ASMR videos, and now I'm back to kind of scrambling to do them haha. I guess it was a good thing, because I was still able to upload while I was sick, but now I need to work hard to rebuild that backlog. And then there's also other projects I'm working on...going to have to test a bunch of things for something special next week! I'm kind of dreading it to be honest but I should really get to that sooner rather than later...

I've been trying to relax too though, so don't worry! Steadily making progress in my game, watching Frieren...I'm almost done actually! Maybe if I wasn't so lazy and sleepy in the mornings, I'd have more time for this fun stuff...

I did want to talk to you about something, it's been on my mind I guess. Our next stream is coming up this sunday - sorry if the time is inconvenient by the way, I didn't realize it was mother's day too! But I think it's what works the best for me...Anyways, yeah, that's coming up! I'm excited of course, as usual, but also nervous...I don't really feel like I'm too good at that stuff, you know? Maybe it sounds weird, but I practice lines and stuff in my head a bunch before I do those streams, make sure I know what to say...I might just be some nervous mess otherwise. But something I've kind of struggled with is...balance.

I want to make things clear, I don't want to pass my personal boundaries. I don't want to turn into straight up, just explicit porn, touching myself and all of that, you know? My intent here was always to...toe that line I guess, focus on you instead. Be lewd or erotic but not all the way, you know? Because I'm not comfortable with that, and it's not something I want to take so lightly. Maybe this is a silly thing to say, but I think that kind of thing should be more sacred. I want to save myself. I want to protect myself. I don't want to just give all of myself away. I don't want to turn into some kind of person that I would end up regretting. And once you do that kind of thing, you can't take it back. You can't take it away.

And so, here kind of lies the problem...I know how you are. I know what you want. I read all your comments. It's probably kind of disappointing to you, huh? And I hate that, feeling like I would let you down...I want you to be happy, I do want to please you, and reconciling that with my own desires is tough. There's a sort of pressure, I guess, even if it's not explicitly stated (although I do see it explicitly stated).

As a creator, I think there's a common sentiment that you need to always one-up yourself. Constant improving, doing bigger and better things. And with these streams, it's like...I don't want it to feel boring. I want it to be fun and exciting. So the easiest thing to think of is to just crank up the spicy level every time. So there's a pressure from myself too, that I should just do more next time, so it keeps being more and more exciting. But there's an issue with that mindset. Then you can't really take that back, right? You can't dial back anymore, you've already set expectations, so if you dial back, then it becomes disappointing. But you also can't keep constantly dialing up. You can only go so far. I feel with this kind of mindset, it's really easy to...end up doing things you don't really want or stand by, just for the thrill of the moment, to increase that excitement further. It's kind of self destructive in a way. To go so far just to please people, to keep them around, that you've steered so far from what you originally intended. I don't want that happening to me.

So I hope you can see the tight line that I have to walk here. I'm not trying to speed run myself into burnout or exposing more and more of myself. Like I said, I think such things should be sacred and cherished, so giving that away so easily, so quickly...feels foolish to me. And so I intend to keep things just at the current level they have been. I think that there is still a market for someone like me. It's sad for me to think that all someone would want of me is just...all the way, the absolute most. But I have to keep reminding myself that's not true. There's different levels for a reason. Not everyone wants the person they watch to go all the way - I want to stay in this zone of being lewd and erotic and making you happy but not being, well, to put it bluntly, a "whore", haha (well, some might say what I do already falls in to that, but we all have different standards for what we deem acceptable). (to be clear, i don't mean this in some derogatory way, you see people being called whores (affectionate) after all, it's just sort of objectively the case if someone is making explicit content, and that's fine, that's their choice)

I hope that's not too disappointing to you, but I did want to make it clear, so that you don't expect that from me either. Because I'm really scared of letting you down. That's also partly why these patreon streams are every 2 weeks - I thought that if it's more often, it would threaten to feel too boring, not as exciting...I want it to feel special. And I've been thinking of how I can still make it feel special without crossing my boundaries and such. That's why I've been asking you so many of these questions, like what you are into and such. I think it would help if I leaned more into specific scenarios and themes, so everything is still a little different a fun...if you could tell me particular phrases or words you like a lot, that would help (I am quite clueless about these things and while I can try on my own, it's all for you after all), or scenarios/situations - for example, something like "after school hours teacher and student", you know? That's what I've been looking for haha.

I hope all of this makes sense and I'm not throwing too much at you at once...I want us to focus on having fun. So don't take this as me pulling away, I'm just trying to communicate my own fears and worries...maybe I could do some special "extra" stuff now and then, here and there, depending on what it is of course, but this is definitely not about going further every time. It's about intimate moments between us, and I want both of us to be comfortable with it.

mmm, anyways, lots to think about! I'm going to be getting ready for that sunday stream and I'll try to make it as good as I can! Hopefully my throat will be good by then so it'll be more comfortable! I'm looking forward to it, and I hope you are too...I'll do my best to still make you feel good, okay?

Now I'm gonna get my daily exercise in, take a shower, do some editing probably, maybe some project planning, and then I gotta cook dinner for my family too...I think it's going to be some chicken stir fry! I'm pretty good at that...I've also been meaning to make pickled red onions for a while, maybe I'll get to that. I used to make that so often at my old place, and just add it to a bunch of food. I think it's a yummy snack on its own too, but maybe I'm just weird. There will be an ASMR video premiering tonight as usual, and then after we'll watch a movie in my server! So let's to do! I'll see you then maybe?

Mwah, okay okay, I'll go already, have a good rest of your day okay? I love you!! 💙